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Mar
10
2010

Angela Merkel Yet to Receive Backrub from Obama

angela-merkel-backrub

Excerpted from the Berlin Picayune:

One of German Chancellor Merkel’s closest advisers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed the lack of contact between President Obama’s hands and Merkel’s shoulders.

“It just hasn’t transpired,” the aid lamented, adding, “Obama’s just so into protocol and decorum.”

“Bush on the other hand.  Man, that guy was great.  So spontaneous and off-the-cuff.  You never knew who he was going maul or give a condescending nickname to. ”

“I, we, as I think I can speak for the European community at large, really miss that guy.”

Written by Ruddy Hayes in: Politics | Tags: , ,
Mar
08
2010

eHarmony Computer Just Messing With People

e-harmony-computer

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Local widower and San Clemente resident Frederick Crummles thinks the eHarmony matchmaking computer is just messing with him.

“It’s clearly messing with me,” Crummles snorted, “There’s no other way to describe it.  I’m a well educated equestrian who enjoys opera, boardgames and baseball statistics.  My last two matches were a hairdresser who ran an American Idol fan club and a techno/industrial music DJ who partially owned a glue factory.”

“It’s hard enough to try and move on from the passing of my dear wife, but to be blatantly jerked around by some impertinent software algorithm is just too much.

“29 dimensions of compatibility, my ass.”

Jan
13
2010

Drive-through Lady Can Tell When It’s James Earl Jones Ordering

field-of-dreams-james-earl-jones

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Donna Duggerskull, drive-through window employee at a Wendy’s in Brooklyn, says she can always tell when it’s James Earl Jones ordering.

“Without a doubt.  His voice is so unique that when it bellows through the headset asking for a frosty or large fries I know that it’s him.  I’m a big fan of Star Wars and Field of Dreams and I watched a lot of CNN, so yeah, I can tell it’s him every time.”

“He’s a good sport, too.  We always ask him to say lines from his movies, like ‘Luke, I’m your father’ and ‘This is CNN,’ and he hasn’t let us down yet.”

“He was even nice enough to autograph my work visor.”

Written by Ruddy Hayes in: Entertainment | Tags: , , , ,
Dec
02
2009

Fans Call for Sacking of Washington Generals GM

washington-generals

Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Marcus Duggerskull, head of the Baltimore Chapter of the Washington Generals Fan Club, waved the 5,000 signature petition he gathered calling for the resignation or firing of the Washington Generals GM.  He and several other members of the fan club arrived at the front door of the basketball franchise’s administrative headquarters to hand deliver the petition.

“His track record is appalling,” Duggerskull said to the gathered media, “He has to go.”

“Did you know that since 1953 he’s overseen only six General victories and, get this, over 13,000 losses to the Harlem Globetrotters and others.  Why not just hire Matt Millen after his stint in Detroit?  At least his teams won more than .046% of the time.”

“This is an outrage and as hard-core fans we’re not going to stand by and be quiet any longer.”

Written by Ruddy Hayes in: Sports | Tags: , ,
Nov
10
2009

Librarian at George W. Bush Presidential Library Thought She’d Have Met Bush by Now

gw-bush-presidential-library

Excerpted from the Dallas Wildcatter:

George W. Bush Presidential Library librarian Mona Wormwicker expressed surprise that she hadn’t met the former president yet.

“It’s not a huge deal, I guess, but I really thought I’d have seen him by now.  We’ve had probably a hundred meetings dealing with the architectural plans and he and Laura’s ‘vision’ for the edifice, but W hasn’t dropped in once.”

“I was in from the ground floor for George H.W. Bush’s library in Houston and he was all over the place there … bringing us coffee and sandwiches, measuring girders, hand delivering old volumes of congressional drafts and executive orders from the 19th century…”

“I guess the apple fell pretty far from the tree with this one…”

Nov
02
2009

Bear Patrol Latest Casualty of CA Budget Cuts

simpsons-bear-patrol-plane

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

California state comptroller, Miles Duggerskull, broke the news that the Springfield Bear Patrol had been the latest casualty of the state budget crisis.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I announce the ending of this program,” Duggerskull said, “I wish there were some way to keep it running, but our budgetary crisis is too large and the statewide bear attack numbers are too few.”

Yreka resident Max Pantaloons could barely maintain his outrage.

“I can barely contain my outrage,” Pantaloons said dryly, “It’s just another example of those fat, city cats up at the capital not understanding what us rural folk have to go through.”

“Sure, the program didn’t affect me up here in Yreka and, sure, there hasn’t been a fatal bear attack in Springfield in over a decade, but it’s the principle, damnit.  It’s the principle.”

Oct
26
2009

Area Man Didn’t Really Lose Virginity at Canadian Summer Camp

canadian-summer-camp

Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

Area resident Montgomery Wormwicker II came clean to his old high school buddies last week.

“I finally came clean about my claim of losing my virginity at a Canadian summer camp between my freshman and sophomore year,” said Wormwicker, “It seemed like an amazingly believable story at the time and I thought it would really boost my image in my peers’ eyes.”

Asked for comment, Wormwickers childhood chums raised their eyebrows and expressed their disbelief.  Specifically, their disbelief that Wormwicker had thought that they believed him.

“He was 110 lbs and had a terrible case of acne.  Of course, we didn’t believe him,” said friend Piotr Ponkowski.

“It was common knowledge that he was a virgin on his wedding day.”

Oct
15
2009

Microsoft Releases Windows 7 With New and Improved Blue Screen of Death

blue-screen-of-death

Excerpted from the Seattle Galosh Inquisitor:

Freelance tech reporter Marco Wormwicker could hardly contain his excitement at the prospect of seeing a new and improved “blue screen of death” twice maybe three times a month.

“It’s fantastic,” said Wormwicker, “Absolutely fantastic.  Instead of your run of the mill, drab blue background, Microsoft finally called in some designers and UI experts to really crank it to 11.”

“It’s got everything: A gradient background and not one, but two little paperclip, Office Assistants to temper your frustration and be pleasantly unhelpful.”

“I didn’t ever think that I’d actually be looking forward to the 2, 3, sometimes 10 times a month when my Windows laptop crunks and hits me with a blue screen of death, but that day is here.”

“Thank you, Bill Gates.”

Sep
25
2009

Colts Offensive Line to Peyton Manning: “Shut Up and Hike the Ball”

peyton-manning-audible

Excerpted from the Indianapolis Herald Tribune:

The Indianapolis offensive line has had enough of quarterback Peyton Manning’s shouting and pointing at the line of scrimmage.

Ryan Diem, offensive tackle for the Colts, had this to say:

“If he would just call an audible, that would be fine.  But instead he’s just pointing out the obvious.”

“It’s, like, really, Peyton? You don’t think that we see that hulking linebacker behind the defensive tackle?”

“Really? You think we’re just going to let him waltz on through?”

“Really?”

“But, of course you can’t say anything or he’ll look hurt and give you the Peyton manning face.”

Sep
18
2009

Pete Rose Puts Fiver on His MLB Reinstatement

pete-rose-reinstatement

Excerpted from the Cincinnati Ledger Express:

Grant Thimbleweed, an eyewitness, described the happening.

“Well, we were at this memorabilia show where Rose was signing stuff and then this one random guy walks by and yells, ‘Hey, Rose.  You jerk, you’ll never make it to the Hall of Fame.’ ”

“Charlie Hustle shot back, ‘Wanna put a fiver on it?’ ”

“The guy looked incredulous and then started yelling, ‘That’s partly why they kicked you out, you dumb piece of…,’ before he was tackled by the show’s security guards and dragged outside.”

“It was all pretty strange,” Thimbleweed added before holding up his autographed 8×12 photo of Rose crashing into Ray Fosse during the 1970 All-Star game.

Sep
11
2009

Socks the Cat Accidentally Buried in “the Pet Cemetary”

socks-cat

Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

A source close to the former President and First Lady, who wished to remain anonymous, said the two are devastated by the supernatural development.

“They’re really wrecked.  Here they thought the poor little fella was getting laid to rest in Arkansas, as per their wishes, and then they have to find out that the jerk in charge of the internment decided to pocket a little cash by sending the poor little guy up to Maine.  Now the damn zombie cat’s roaming around attacking young children.  What a nightmare.”

“And I can’t even begin to imagine what Chelsea’s going through right now.”

Written by Ruddy Hayes in: Politics | Tags: ,