Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

A Pro Football HoF voter, who wished to remain anonymous, cited Woodson’s NES Tecmo Super Bowl performances against the old AFC Central as a determining factor in his mind.

Said the voter:

“I mean, sure, he would eat up Houston and Cincinnati, but, geez, that guy just gutted the Browns.  You’d think you’d have the deep ball and then out of no where there’d be Woodson for the INT.  I, mean, he’d be at the line of scrimmage for Christ’s sake.  I’ve never seen such closing speed.”

“And don’t even think about throwing a slant to his side if the Steelers guessed your play.  That’d be a sure pick.”

Excerpted from the Brussels Global Informer:

Portugal was seen shaking it’s head.  When asked why, it responded with the following:

“It’s just so sad.  It’s such a fall from grace.  It was a global financial powerhouse just a couple of years ago.  It’s amazing.”

“I remember talking to Italy about Iceland’s 12% CD yields and how we should go in on them.  Man, but that was what it was like back then.   Iceland just had the buzz, man.”

“So, yeah, we all gave some euros.  I mean, we couldn’t just ignore our comrade.  Hopefully, it will be enough to get Iceland back on it’s feet and moving forward to a more prosperous day.”

Excerpted from the Crawford Citizen Times:

Sources close to Mrs. Bush say that she’s sad for her father, but excited that her public activities won’t be scrutinized as closely with the ending of his presidency.

“She’s as excited as all get-out,” said a source that wished to remain anonymous.  “Everybody knows her as an accomplished teacher, author and UNICEF advocate, but not many people are aware of how good she is at armwrestling and bare-knuckle boxing.”

“So, I think she just wants to travel the Mexican cantina circuit for a spell and see if she can make a name for herself armwrestling and boxing.”

“It’s a very exciting time for her.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Asked to respond to the firing of the capable and heroic captain, US Airways didn’t comment.  One middle-manager spoke with the Spectrum off the record.

“Listen, sure it seems outrageous to pink-slip this American hero that saved the lives of 155 people, but it’s not so crazy when you find out how much that plane cost.”

“Give up?  65 million dollars.  And guess what?  Right, we’re not insured for flooding.  So, with the cumulative water damage, we’ll get salvage value at most.”

“See our side of it now?”

Excerpted from the Paris Beacon:

Some, such as retired geography teacher and self-described curmudgeon Mac Wormwicker, were incredulous that the 2009 rally was held in Argentina & Chile.

“What kind of horse-hockey is that?  It’s called the Dakar Rally for jiminy’s sake.  And now they’re going to hold it on another continent?  Outrageous.  They should be forced to change the name.”

When reached for comment one Dakar organizer said, on the condition of anonymity:

“It’s because of Al-Qaeda threats.  Tell those jack-asses that it’s because of terror threats.”

Excerpted from the Bratislava Herald:

While commonly seen amidst sibling rivalry, sulking isn’t as commonplace in international quarters.  When asked to comment on the strange dynamic between the two formerly joined countries, Germany had the following to say.

“Man, beats me.  You think the Czechs could at least feign some excitement for the Slovaks, but apparently not.”

“The strangest part is that the Czech Republic could have already adopted the Euro by now, but its populace keeps voting it down.”

“It’s all very illogical.”