Excerpted from the Mumbai Intelligencer:

Representatives of the Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO) explained that they appreciated the offer from NASA and Hollywood, but that they hoped their astronauts would actually touch down on lunar soil.

Deputy director Rakesh Chopra explained further.

“It’s not that we don’t appreciate the offer.  I mean, they did a heck of a job back in ‘69 and they even offered to let us use the same set and backdrop over in North Hollywood.”

“We just feel we have the will and the technical know-how to actually pull it off in reality and we’ve decided as a nation to just go for it.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Five minutes after Slumdog Millionaire won the Oscar for Best Picture renowned porn producer Claxton Wormwicker stood up from his chair, thrust a finger up to the ceiling, and proclaimed, “I’ve got it.  I’ve got the name for the Slumdog porno parody.”

When pressed to tell the name Wormwicker declined, but added, “It’s going to be even bigger than Saving Ryan’s Privates.”

Excerpted from the Montpelier Current:

We asked a hundred women what their response would be if they received a Vermont Teddy Bear this Valentine’s Day.  Their responses broke down as follows:

Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Anonymous sources at the party in question say the reason the photos of Phelps smoking marijuana were released were not for monetary reasons, as initially suspected.

“He was narced off, because he kept cashing all the bowls,” said one source.  “His lung capacity is so insanely good that he would pull off the bong, and pull off the bong and continue to pull of the bong until the whole damn bud was gone.”

“He kept doing that and laughing and then he’d do it some more.”

“People were getting pissed at the rapidly diminishing weed and I think that’s what led to those pictures getting released.”

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

An unnamed source close to Kurt Warner said that the Cardinal star quarterback was planning an “epic” thank you to his Lord and Savior had Phoenix pulled off the upset.  The source elaborated:

“I was pulling for him, obviously, because I’m his friend, but I’m also really bummed that he wasn’t able to recite his epic tribute to the Lord.  That would have been five minutes of passionate Christian testimonial and, equally as compelling, five minutes of the secular, sideline reporter looking dumbfounded.”

“Shoot.”

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

A surprising winner was announced for the Associated Press’ 2008 NFL Comeback Player of the Year award.  The landslide winner was Brenda Warner’s hair.  Said one voter, who wished to remain anonymous:

“Sure, her husband and Chad Pennington had good years, but I just felt there wasn’t a more pleasant surprise than the haircut she’s been sporting recently.  That was the only thing people were talking about the week leading into the Super Bowl.  All you’d hear were superlatives like ‘fetching’ and ‘enchanting’ when people were speaking about her new look.  So, to me it was a no brainer.”