Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

The anonymous source gave the Zephyr an exclusive glimpse at the performance review.

Positive Attributes:

Has a great arm.

Community involvement.

Verbal sparring with Philip Rivers

Potential:

Has great potential. Not as much as Matt Cassel, but still pretty good.

Needed Performance Improvement:

Returning coaches’ text messages

Adapting well to change

Maintaining a positive attitude when under stress

Happy to be here

Being okay with the coaches going behind his back to try swap him for a QB he considers inferior

Throwing into triple coverage while rolling out to his right

Excerpted from the Manassas Statesman:

“Stunningly illegible” is how local resident Paulie Wormwicker described the captcha he encountered while trying to sign up for a forum on learning beginning bass guitar.

“Overlapping numerals, squiggly letters that run into each other, you name it this captcha had it.  Just all around terrible, really.”

“Absolutely, f***ing unreadable.”

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

An acquaintance of Nantz says he’s not coping with the separation well.

“It’s common knowledge that he’s broken down a couple of times when Packer’s been brought up in conversation.”

“I know they worked together a long time, but multiple, emotional breakdowns over Billy Packer?  Strikes me as a little odd.”

Excerpted from a message left on the Editor of the Bend Picayune’s answering machine:

“So, we’re watching the scene in the diner where Walter says that he can get the Dude a toe and my friend Ray announces that he could actually get us a toe.  No problem, he says, all deadpan-like.”

“I laughed at first thinking it was a joke, but he didn’t smile or nothing.  And then he was like, ‘Seriously, man.’   That really gave me pause.”

“Later, I got to thinking about how Ray’s a little off and how he hangs with those tweakers out in Deschutes River Woods a lot and, man, it kind of creeped me out.”

“I guess I could ask him about it, but we could have a communication breakdown and then he might just show up with a toe and then I’d be like an accessory or something and it could really get bad for me, seeing as I’ve got that strike for check kiting.”

“I know I’m really high, but this is heavy stuff.”

Excerpted from the Crawford Citizen Times:

One Dallas party-goer, that wished to remain anonymous, acted surprised.

“To be honest, it was a little strange to see the former President just walk in the front door with a sixer of near-beer.  I know he lives just a block or two down the street, but it just seems like he would still have more important things to do than drop in on random parties and tell off-color jokes.”

“I don’t know, maybe continue his fight against the global AIDS pandemic or something.”

Excerpted from the Walla Walla Sentinel Courier:

A source close to both Judge and Winger says it was a long time coming.

“It just seemed gratuitous at times,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous.  “I mean, I never much cared for his music either, but to lambaste a man you haven’t even met for four odd years on that show is tough.”

“Anyway, the Vermont Teddy Bear with the Winger shirt was really a nice gesture on Judge’s part.”

Excerpted from the Burbank Chronicler:

An area man that witnessed the event described it to us.

“Gosh, I had just ordered my expresso and sat down when I look up and see this geeky looking guy muttering at his laptop screen.  He started cursing about 2nd division, German soccer and PBA bowling and then he just…like…transformed or something.  Next thing I know there’s this green monster in front of me.”

“The creature screamed ‘Hulk no like Canadian women’s curling’ and then smashed his laptop to smithereens, before bounding through the wall and disappearing into the countryside.”

Excerpted from the Newark Sun Times:

A member of Steves‘ inner circle, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that Steves’ trademark enthusiasm seems to be waning.

“I think he’s just really tired of Europe.  He visits there so often its becoming standard fare for him.  I think he equated it once to visiting elder relatives.  It’s nice, but if you do it too frequently it grows tiresome.”

“He’s also been talking about Madagascar incessantly.  Something about how the public transportation and food are refreshingly unreliable.”

Excerpted from the Palo Alto Post Examiner:

Employees said the CEO had had enough.

Said one member of upper management, who wished to remain nameless, “Initially our company encouraged employee tweets during business hours and each was setup with their own account.  While the minimum amount of tweets per day was 15, some self-starters would express themselves with up to 37 tweets a day.  The CEO, wanting to keep his finger on the pulse of the company, would follow all their accounts daily.”

“It nearly drove him mad.  I found him lying on the floor one afternoon muttering about the ‘banality’ of it all.”

“I splashed him with some water, helped him up and we quickly wrote and sent the company directive striking the minimum tweet number and ordering all employees to refrain from mundane posts, such as ‘Restocking mechanical pencils in storeroom.’”

“The results have been wonderful.  Not a single tweet in 72 hours.”

Excerpted from the Boston Plainsmen:

Postilski picked himself off the ground and wiped his mouth.  He carefully stepped over the spot where he vomited and screamed skyward, “I love St. Patrick’s Day!”

“Sorry to cut this interview short,” he said with a shrug, “But my friends and I are going to scrounge up some breakfast.”  He then proceeded to put his arms around his friends and the group spontaneously broke into song as they walked away.

“Oh, Danny boy, the something, something, something…”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Dr. Honeydew turned down our request for an interview, but directed us to a recent press release of his that firmly placed the blame on Beaker, categorizing him as a rogue quantitative analyst that acted without Honeydew’s authority.

“Beaker feels awful about what’s happened,” said one of his close associates that preferred to speak with anonymity.  “He feels like he was pressured by Dr. Honeydew into these false risk assessment models.”

“He’s in bad shape.  Last time I checked on him he was wandering around his apartment muttering to himself.”