Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

A federal marshall, wishing to remain anonymous, explained what transpired.

“So then Madoff says, ‘Sure, sure, I’ve got the money. No problem. I just left my checkbook in Antananarivo (The capital of Madagascar). I’ll be right back to make this right.’”

“The director bought it hook, line, and sinker. He even drove him to the airport, but just as they arrived the director said, ‘Hey, wait a minute. Isn’t Madagascar one of the countries we don’t have an extradition treaty with?’ Madoff shrugged, smiled and said, ‘Got me.’”

“We all had a good laugh.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Sources close to Greenspan say the former Federal Reserve Chairman is resorting to wearing a fake moustache in public.  One of his associates, who wished to speak anonymously, elaborated:

“Well, frankly, I think he’s just tired of being heckled in public.  He and Andrea Mitchell will be trying to enjoy an evening out and random jerks will just start heckling him.   They’ll say things like, ‘Hey Greenspan, nice housing bubble, Jack-Ass.’”

“Or ‘Hey Greenspan, you know how I know you’re incompetent?  Because you received the Presidential Medal of Freedom under George W. Bush, that’s how.  Paul Volcker you are not, Jack-Ass.’”

“Some nights he even wears a bowler out for extra anonymity.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

“…thus we, Wall St. and the larger US financial community at large, are sorry if any global financial entities weren’t smart enough to figure out that these SIVs and CDOs were massively convoluted, inherently opaque and regrettably illiquid.  In the future, perhaps the global regulatory and ratings agencies should do a better job of localized risk assessment and not actively contribute to a possible systematic financial meltdown.”

“Anyway, we’re sorry if you’re lack of foresight and due diligence has lead to calamitous currency devaluation and civil unrest.  Those are tough breaks.”

“Remember, just because we manufactured, misrepresented and sold the alleged toxicity doesn’t alleviate your culpability as purchasers.”

“No hard feelings, ok?”

Excerpted from the Burbank Chronicler:

Eyewitnesses say the Governor was staggering around downtown Sacramento wearing only furs and carrying a two-handed sword and the head of Queen Isabella from the statue in the Capital Rotunda.

“The man’s still quite strong,” said one eyewitness, “Wielding those two-handed swords with any proficiency is no joke and he took Queen Isabella’s head right off with a single swing.”

Maria Shriver has publicly appealed for the statesman to return home.

Excerpted from the Palo Alto Post Examiner:

Friends of Stanford’s mother say she’s quite concerned the rest of the Pac-10 won’t show up.  Said one friend who wished to remain unnamed:

“It’s pretty obvious that the nine of them loathe the poor kid.  She thinks it’s because he’s smarter and more handsome than the rest of them.”

The woman shrugged.

“I guess.”

When asked if the mother had a back-up plan, the friend answered quickly, “Sure, sure.  She called Duke, of course, and Princeton.  It will be alright.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

An acquaintance of Madoff, who wished to remain anonymous, said the alleged Ponzi-schemer was spending an inordinate amount of time on Facebook.  Said the source:

“Bernie had a lot of time on his hands, as he was basically locked down in his apartment, you know.  So, one of his friends told him about Facebook and he was really taken with it.  One of my other friends overheard him say that he was really sorry he hadn’t found out about it sooner.”

“You know, with the networking possibilities and all.”

Excerpted from the Springfield Beacon:

Close associates of Simpson say that he’s still quite angry over having lost control of the controlling interest in the team.  One such associate, who preferred to remain nameless, said:

“What happened to Homer ain’t right.  He put his time in with Hank Scorpio and the Globex Corporation and rightly deserved that sorry sack of a football team.  I mean, jeez, just ’cause Homer supported the Springfield Monorail means the Bowlens can put a lien against the team?  Doesn’t make sense to me, but (Lionel) Hutz told Homer he doesn’t have a case.”

“Now are you going to order something or what?”

Excerpted from the Manassas Statesman:

A local Starbucks patron and Catholic parishioner, who wished to remain anonymous, witnessed the event.

“He gathered his coffee and then sat in the corner with his laptop.  A couple of minutes later he just erupted.  He raised his hands in the air and yelled, ‘God d*mn it.  Now the consumer staples are getting hammered?  This is horse…er…bleep.’  Except he actually used the curse word.”

“He was embarrassed, evidently, as he packed his things up in a hurry and left.”

“I didn’t even know priests had brokerage accounts.”

Excerpted from the Montreal Gazette:

And while the success of the commercials has been rewarding monetarily, friends of the actor say he’s not been as successful with the ladies as he’d hoped.

A close friend, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “He’s a bit down at the moment.  I think he thought the notoriety would lead to a lot of female attention, but it just hasn’t materialized.  The cute ones that recognize him all have boyfriends and he’s too proud at the moment to hook up with their heavier and hairier friends.”

Excerpted from the Atlanta Pioneer:

The two men first crossed swords during an interview on MSNBC’s Hardball on September 1, 2004.  An acquaintance of Miller, who preferred to remain off the record, explained:

“Zell’s still really cross with that know-it-all Matthews.  Whenever Matthews or Hardball or even MSNBC is brought up, he unconsciously reaches to his hip.  Matthews is really lucky our social norms have changed or Miller would be blasting it out with him one dewy morning.”

Excerpted from the Local Happenings section of the Fargo Planet:

Local resident and expert video-game Marine, Alexander Wormwicker, finished Call of Duty IV last night.  According to the first hand account provided by his sister, Lily, he then exhaled loudly and whispered under his breath, “You’re welcome, America.”