Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

Monty Wormwicker, president of the All That Glitters Is Golden Girls fan club, was visibly shaken by the news.

“Words can’t express how heartbroken I am right now.  This really hurts.  Probably as much as if I was family or friend to her.”

“I was holding out hope for one last reunion special, but that seems unlikely now, even with the CGI effects available nowadays.”

“I have dreamed a dream, and now that dream has gone from me.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Our source, who wished to remain anonymous, commented on the exchange he heard at the Manhattan restaurant.

“A young woman approached him and asked about his appearance on Letterman.   Phoenix looked at her quizzically and said that he wished Letterman would have him on the show and guffawed about how it would really jumpstart his rap career.”

“The woman exclaimed, ‘But you were on Letterman, just a couple of months back…”

“He replied, ‘I was on Letterman? When?’ “

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

A source close to ESPN, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Kiper has had some problems differentiating previous years’ drafts from the 2009 NFL draft beginning this Saturday.

“It’s not a big deal,” said the source, “but on a recent ESPN podcast he recommended the Eagles take a flyer on Terrell Davis or Christian Okoye to replenish their running back corps.”

“It’s a little off, but we’re just going to let Mel be Mel.”

Excerpted from the Des Moines Unionist:

President of the local chapter of the environmental group Mark Wormwicker was less than pleased with the motel chain’s decision.

“It’s unconscionable, really.  We’re only asking them to leave the lights off until you arrive one night a year.  For them to not accommodate that request really speaks to their tone deafness on environmental matters.”

Wormwicker shook his head.

“Tom Bodett always struck me as a down to earth guy, too.”

Excerpted from the Palo Alto Post Examiner:

While groups are meeting to celebrate both cannibis and Hitler’s birthday, only local resident Albrecht Wormwicker is planning on combining the two.

“I’ve been a big fan of weed and Hitler for some time now,” said the currently unemployed Saucelito resident.

“Unfortunately, my friends at the white supremacist meetings are more into meth and feel weed is a convoluted Zionist plot.  On the other hand, the stoners I occasionally hang out with really browbeat me when I mention the importance of not mixing race.”

“So, it looks like it’s a quiet night of smoking dope and reading neo-nazi pamphlets for me and Mr. Twinkletop.”

“That’s my cat.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Sources close to Fast Money say the show’s crew came into the set early Monday morning and found the scat on top of the show’s main, on-air desk.

A producer for the network, who conversed with us under the promise of anonymity, said the network can’t conclusively prove who did it.

“We can’t prove it was Ratigan, or that the scat was human in nature for that matter, but I can’t imagine Najarian or Adami would have been angry enough with Ratigan’s departure to stoop to that level.”

“It’s baffling.”

Excerpted from the Miami Sunspot:

An assistant to the FIU Athletic Director expressed his excitement at the hiring.

“We couldn’t be more excited that NBA Hall of Famer Isiah Thomas is joining the coaching ranks for the first time ever at our fine southern Florida institution.  We’re absolutely giddy about it.”

When told that Thomas had coached previously with the Indiana Pacers and the New York Knicks of the NBA, several administrative members of the school looked puzzled.  Briefly speechless, the assistant stepped up to the microphone and put the matter to rest.

“We weren’t aware of that, but I’m sure he did a great job at those previous coaching stops and we look forward to him taking our program to the next level.”

Excerpted from the Las Vegas Bandit:

Neighbors of Uncle Sam reported that he was hurredly loading his Porsche SUV with suitcases overflowing with greenbacks.  Friend and confident Pecos Bill expressed his concern.

“I know he’s fallen on some hard times here, but it really looks like he’s panicking.  I spoke with him briefly on the phone last night and he went on about how it’s all just a house of cards and that he really needs to catch a break and double up.”

“He then mumbled something about how he was going to pick up Britannia at Dulles and then they were both headed to Vegas’ roulette tables to bet their entire tax bases on black.”

” ‘Always bet on black’ was the last thing he said before hanging up.”

Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

Area father Myrum Wormwicker expressed disappointment at his son’s lack of enthusiasm towards the classic boardgame Monopoly.

“It’s stunning, really.  He couldn’t have cared less about the game.”

“First off, I make a special trip to Target to pick the d*mn thing up.  Then, I get home, ceremoniously pull it out of the shopping bag and the little hellspawn starts giving me lip about how we could have just downloaded it on his Xbox 360.”

“So, we start setting up the board and he’s going on and on about stupid the shoe, iron and thimble game pieces are.  We hadn’t even started the game when he gave his younger sister a paper cut with the funny money and I’d had enough and sent him off to his room.”

“I know he’s only eight and probably just needed a nap, but I’m pretty sure he’s out of the will.”

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

John Wormwicker, customer service advocate for the Alliance of Customer Service Alliances, summed up the new findings.

“Well, it seems that the crux of Circuit City’s customer service problems was the actual connection of the call between their irate customers and their underwhelming customer service staff.”

“Usually it takes a minute or two of a interaction to facilitate the typical cycle of dissatisfaction, but not with Circuit City.  It’s as if the customers were prescient as to how terrible their experience was going to be.”

Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the occasion,” remarked Scarlet Pumpernickel, when asked why she looked glum.

“It’s just that, I guess, it would be a bit nicer to simply be alone today, instead of pretending to enjoy my husband’s company in the smoking section of Applebees.”