Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Frederick Duggleskull, author of Dow 70,000 and Beyond!!!!!, vigorously defended his market call.

“Hah.  I will certainly not apologize for my ground breaking work.  Sure, it didn’t happen in the immediate time frame like I originally thought, but we’ll get there.  Maybe solely through insane, depression-fueled inflationary forces, but we’ll get there.”

“And by we, I mean your great-great-great-great-grandchildren.”

“And when it does, I invite you jackals to visit my tombstone, which is going to simply read, Called It.”

Excerpted Palo Alto Post Examiner:

Patty Wormwicker remained incredulous, even after being told that the Maldives were a chain of islands off Sri Lanka.

“Really?”

“I could have swore that my guild raided an orc stronghold by that name, two weeks back.”

“I guess I should have known that, but I’ve been really getting into leveling my druid recently.”

“His name is Nightgrowler in case you were wondering.”

Excerpted from the Copenhagen Herald Courier:

The resident of Little Rock, Arkansas wore a look of defeat and spoke in a hushed, resigned tone.

“I flew half way across the world for this endeavor. I sold my truck, my reasonably nice sofa, had to call in the last marker I had with my brother Lou and for what?  To fly all the way out here and then get rejected by some euro-trash working at a convenience store.”

“What did I say?  I told him to ‘Get the {redacted} out of here.’  No Copenhagen in Copenhagen?  What kind of horse{redacted} is that?”

When asked what his itinerary held in store for him next the man replied, “I’m out of this {redacted}hole and off to Australia to have a Fosters.”

Excerpted from the Walla Walla Sentinel Courier:

Despite the conclusion of the show’s 15 year run, NBC has decided to continue running the show’s promotional advertisements.

Vice President of NBC-Universal’s Medical Related Programming, Reginald Wormwicker, explained the unique decision.

“We’ve gotten an incredibly large response from the carpet bombing of our ER promos across the rest of our programming,” Wormwicker remarked, “And, though most of it’s overwhelmingly negative, it’s still keeping ER in the forefront of people’s minds.”

“So, in order to keep fanning the flames, we’ve decided continue with the promos.   From there we hope to do 10-15 special 2-hour ‘ER Events’ in the future.   It’s going to be great.”

“It’s such a treasured show.”

Excerpted from the Cookie Mountain Herald:

The celebratory parade was led by a man who only identified himself as Toad.  The diminutive leader could barely contain his excitement at the news.

“About frickin’ time.  That a-hole has been running around with impunity, kidnapping princesses left and right and nothing was ever done about it.”

“I couldn’t be more pleased that Mario and Luigi have given up plumbing and formed a civil police force.”

“You know, as long as they… like… don’t interfere with an individuals God-given right to ingest as many hallucinogenic mushrooms as I… errrr… he, rather a hypothetical citizen may deem necessary to, you know, make it through another day in this strange, strange land.”

Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

The spokesman for the pornography company explained that it was a natural progression for the industry.

“We give the people what they want and, as this illustrates, there is apparently a market for anything.  Including watching the coitus of barely discernible human beings.”

“In a related matter, we also have a standing offer for any extraterrestrials that may want to become intimate in front of the camera.”

“That would be the next logical progression from here.”