Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Mayor Bloomberg proudly announced the successful legislation.

“For too long douchebags and financiers, and douchebaggy financiers have been walking and using their cell phones and then bumping into people on the sidewalks of our fine city.  Well, no more.  The people have spoken and those unseemly individuals will now have to come to a complete stop before conversing.”

“And God help you if we see you walking, talking on your cell phone, and not picking up after your grossly undersized dog.”

“Bloomberg out.”

Excerpted from the Palo Alto Post Examiner:

Bill Doohickey recently bought a smartphone for his elderly father and was surprised at how difficult it was for him to use it.

“I have the exact same model Nokia and I love it.  I mean, I freakin’ love it.  It does everything.  So, I thought what the heck, I’ll get one for Pop.  Unfortunately, it just hasn’t worked out.  He accidentally calls me all the time and I’ll get these long, incoherent messages, sometimes while he and my Mom are at the chuckwagon arguing over whether he’s piling his plate too high or not.”

“Just last month he accidentally surfed the internet for 72 hours straight.  I’m not sure how he pulled that off, but you can imagine the resulting data charges.”

“Anyway, long story short, he and my mother are now the proud owners of matching Jitterbugs.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Despite O’Reilly’s several requests for Beck to join him for lunch in the Fox News cafeteria, a NewsCorp insider says Beck has yet to acquiesce to the senior broadcaster’s invitation.

“He’s been really elusive.  He’s never in the cafeteria at the same time as O’Reilly and if he does stumble in while Bill is there he always turns and leaves explaining that he left his wallet or that he thinks he left the stove on back at his mid-town apartment.”

“There’s even a rumor that Beck has a paid-intern who’s sole job is to track where O’Reilly is so that Beck doesn’t accidentally bump into him.”

When asked why Beck would be avoiding O’Reilly, the insider shrugged.

“Beats me.  It’s all very strange.”

Excerpted from Baltimore Dispatch:

Area man and self-proclaimed misogynist, Maxford Duggleskull, expressed his outrage at the filly’s victory.

“That was a disgusting display.  It’s like the 12 colts and their jockeys weren’t even trying.  Watch the replay of the stretch run and tell me they were whipping those good for nothing animals sufficiently.  You gonna lose to a female and cross the finish line with no blood on your animal?  Outrageous and cowardly is what it is.”

“It’s bad enough that I have to watch promotional ads for the WNBA, but this?  This?”

Excerpted from the Laramie Spur:

One of the Cheney grandchildren who insisted on anonymity to the extent he or she would only let us use the pronoun “it” to describe him or her, commented on the plan.

“Oh, there’ll be no trouble from us.  We sometimes get into trouble tromping around their land in Wyoming, but not anymore.  Not after what’s come out about the enhanced interrogation programs.  Nope, there won’t be any trouble from us.”

“Heck, we won’t even track dirt into the kitchen.”

Excerpted from the Chicago Daily Gazette Leader:

One unnamed safety for the Green Bay Packers could hardly contain his glee at the prospect of Favre signing for the Minnesota Vikings.

“It would be fantastic.  There’s no other way of putting it.  I’m in a contract year and this could mean a lot to me.  Agents and statisticians have quantified what each interception is worth to a starting safety with my experience.  Want to know what it is?”

“$93, 473.   And you can imagine how loose Favre’s going to be with the ball, during what would have to be his last go around.”

“Conservatively, the minute he signs on the dotted line, I’ve got two INTs in the bag.  It’s going to be great.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Dodger fan Ricky Wormwicker expressed his surprise at the cause of the 50 game suspension.

“Performance enhancing drugs?  Really?  That sort of implies that he gives a {expletive}, which, from all accounts, doesn’t seem to be or ever have been his M.O.”

“That means modus operandi, in case you didn’t…oh, you knew that.  Sorry.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

The lesser known “bank stress test” was an informal polling of bank employees in New York City and across the Midwest.

The results were stark in the depth and severity of the terror currently burdening employees in the banking and financial fields.

One longevity-mortality derivatives trader at a bank that accepted TARP funds spoke of her ongoing panic on the condition of anonymity.

“It sucks.  My employer is basically bankrupt, so its just a matter of time before the company goes under or is, for all intents and purposes, taken over by the government.  That means no junkets to Vegas and the Caribbean and only bi-weekly dog grooming sessions for my weimeraner, Francis.”

“This is totally unacceptable.”

Excerpted from the Palo Alto Post Examiner:

A Silicon Valley insider said the iOwl was a long time coming.

“Steve Jobs has had his eye on this technology ever since he first saw Clash of the Titans back in 1981.  Well, the future is here.  3G internet connectivity, the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow, access to the apps store, heck, those engineering geniuses over at Apple even threw in holographic capabilities, like R2-D2 in Star Wars.”

“This thing’s frickin’ awesome.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

In a feeble attempt to protect himself from the H1N1 Swine Flu, New Yorker and part time mortgage broker Sidwell Wormwicker pulled his t-shirt up over his mouth for the duration of his journey from Castle Hill to 33rd Street.

Asked about his sub-par safety precautions, Wormwicker acted surprised and said, “You don’t think that’ll work?”

“Bummer.  It’s a pandemic, you know.”