Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Pamona resident, and member of the Pamona Lesser Demons motorcycle club, Sebediah Duggerskull, tried to put into words the effect Michael Jackson’s passing had upon him.

“I mean, jeez.  I’m just sitting there at our weekly meeting of the Lesser Demons and next thing I know Jimmy Two-Jacks tells us all that the king of pop had passed.  There was the usual wisecracks and stuff that I won’t repeat, but next thing I know I’m getting emotional about his passing.”

“It was weird, man.  I don’t even like his music.”

“What?  Oh, sure.  You bet your ass I didn’t stick around.  I told ‘em I thought I had left a loaded handgun in the living room with my kids and ripped right out of there.”

Excerpted from the Charleston Herald Examiner:

Screenprinter Maxwell Skulldugger played a hunch that didn’t pan out.  The Charleston resident thought South Carolina governor Mark Sanford had an excellent chance to become the 2012 Republican Presidential nominee and that Nevada Senator John Ensign would make a logical VP pick.

So, two weeks ago the screenprinter printed up 2,000 “Sanford – Ensign 2012″ shirts and prepared to sell the merchandise locally and on ebay.

Then came each politician’s philandering.

“Crap, that was bad timing.  I’ll be lucky if I sell two dozen of these lousy shirts now,” Skulldugger complained.

“Guess I should have gone with Haley Barbour and Mitt Romney.”

Excerpted from the Walla Walla Sentinel Courier:

A source close to Carey said the messages have been discouraging.

“Drew’s enjoying himself and he’s doing a great job, but he’s in a really difficult position. Bob Barker was such a beloved figure and audience has come to expect some canned flirting between the host and Barker’s Beauties, but that isn’t really Drew’s specialty.”

“I think that’s what lead Barker to start leaving all those messages.  They started out innocently enough, like the time he berated Drew for not looking the Beauties in the eye while he’s talking to them, but it became progressively worse.”

“I can’t even repeat the contents of the now infamous ‘Plinko Rant.’ ”

“The worse though is when Carey has to do the Hole in One game.  He’ll get home after those tapings have aired and have 3-4 vitriol-laced messages from the former host regarding his putting.”

Excerpted from the Palo Alto Post Examiner:

While area insomniac Claxton Wormwicker had been a fan of the former Vice President long before Gore released an onslaught of self-narrated versions of his books, he’s certainly a fan for life now.

“Before I discovered Gore’s soothing, droning narration I was getting one, maybe two hours of sleep a night.  My mind would race and I just couldn’t calm down enough to fall asleep.  Now I just pop in Assault on Reason or Earth in Balance and *bam* I’m out like a light bulb.  It takes maybe 5-10 minutes max.”

“It’s so effective that I’ve been using it for six months now and I’m still no farther than the second chapter.”

Excerpted from the Tehran Post Examiner:

In an odd procedural twist, Katherine Harris was called in to certify the 2009 Iranian presidential election victory of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Tuesday.

Iranian elections experts seemed baffled by the little known protocol that called for a former United States congresswoman from Florida to certify the election results.

“I had never heard of that one before the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ali Khamenei, clearly showed the passage in his very definitely unrevised version of the constitution,” one Iranian legal expert said.

“Who knew?”

Excerpted from the Nome Observer Courier:

In a frank admission to Fox News on-air personality Greta Van Susteren, Todd Palin admitted that residents of Alaska don’t actually refer to snowmobiles as snowmachines.

“Yep, it started as a joke and then one of McCain’s campaign strategists just went with it,” Palin confessed.

“Something about how people love exotic sounding things.”

Palin shrugged.

“I thought it was a bit ridiculous, but they were supposed to know what they were doing, so we rolled with it and asked the Wasilla residents to do the same.”

Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

One casual acquaintance of Andersen, who wished to remain anonymous, said the Birdman’s been focusing his off-season efforts into taking the Denver Nuggets to the NBA title on his X-Box 360 version of NBA Live 2009.

“He was really devastated by the loss to the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals, so I think this is a bit of redemption for him.”

“He’s really been logging some hours.  I think the virtual Birdman’s been averaging a triple double during the playoffs.”

“It’s pretty impressive actually.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Industry insiders say the dynamic director/producer pair are all set to make the eighth, and most extreme, installment of the film franchise a reality.

“It’s a definite go,” said one of the insiders, who wished to remain anonymous due to contractual issues.

“They’ve got Michael Rapaport and Sean Combs lined up as Tackleberry and Jones and they’ve even got Bubba Smith and Michael Winslow signed on for supporting roles.”

“It’s going to be great.”

Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Students of area jazz band teacher, Myrum Wormwicker, are tired of his optimism.

“It gets old,” said one trombonist, on the condition of anonymity.

“He’s just so positive.  And we’re so terrible.  I mean, half the kids aren’t even blowing into their instruments.  And our only flutist doesn’t even have a reed, for goodness’ sake.”

“It’s not that I want him to get angry, but we’d appreciate it if he would just temper his excitement at our performances a bit.”