Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Local couple Stede and Suzie Wormwicker expressed their astonishment at being shown the King of Pop’s old domecile by their realtor.

“It was strange, to say the least,” said Suzie. “Mainly, because we’re in the market for a starter home and our credit union has only approved us for a $145,000 loan.”

“And, most importantly, because it was freaking Neverland Ranch,” added Stede.

“We’re getting a new realtor.”

A study by the The National Cooperative of Surgeons showed that males, and more specifically uninsured males, were still recklessly using power tools at a staggering rate.   Cooperative spokesman Raymond Buttermaker elaborated.

“Well, we’re pleasantly surprised that there hasn’t been a fall off in catastrophic power tool injuries.  We just sort of assumed that during these economic hard times, with the layoffs and resulting loss of medical insurance, people would be more attentive to their power tool use.  That most certainly hasn’t been the case.”

“People are still trimming their hedges with lawn mowers, lopping their fingers off with circular saws and falling awkwardly out of trees while trying to prune a limb with an electric chainsaw.”

“Some people would refer to it as stupidity, but I refer to it as our good, strong, national character.”

“Keep up the good work, America.”

Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Aides of the senators say that, as unlikely as the blossoming friendships are, the three are becoming inseparable.

“It’s really been remarkable,” said one aide, who wished to remain anonymous.  “Sure, Lindsey and Jeff have always been affable companions, but they were never that close.  Then Franken shows up last week and the three of them are thick as thieves.”

“They’ve been to Nationals games, the Library of Congress, heck there’s even a rumor that the three of them TP’d and stole the hubcaps off Patrick Leahy’s new Lincoln Continental.”

“One can only imagine what kind of trouble they’re going to get into next.”

Excerpted from the Des Moines Unionist:

What started as a normal PTA meeting in James Garfield Elementary School turned into a reflective discussion on the safety of greater Des Moines’ streets.

The disclosure of a young man being gored to death by a bull in the streets of Pamplona, Spain lead many parents to wonder aloud how long before similar tragedies were afflicting the youth of Des Moines.

“It’s just a matter of time,” said Sheila Huddingtonford.  “I’ve been saying this for years and no one’s paid any attention.  I’m sorry to say that it’s going take one of our children being gored to death by livestock before any of you take this seriously.”

“Just last week I saw a chicken off the side of the road.  And if a chicken can escape, Lord knows a bull or surly goat isn’t far behind.  Connect the dots, people.”

When asked for comment school district superintendent Packer G. Buttermaker shook his head and declined to comment.

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Local music afficionado Clark Wormwicker said he was stunned when he overheard a woman at Starbucks describe Dylan’s voice as “angelic.”

“I spit some of my macchiato on the LA Weekly I was reading.  I’ve never done that before, but it was just such a stunningly inappropriate comment.  I turned to look at the woman, assuming that she must have some catastrophic hearing deficiency, but there was nothing obvious, like a hearing aid or the like, that would account for a comment such as that.”

“Though, come to think of it, she did have on a Nickelback tour shirt.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Jackson Buttermaker, president of the California chapter of the Karl Malden Fan Club, expressed his dismay at the brief mention Malden received on news casts this week.

“He put in seven decades of fine performances, was the voice of  American Express Travelers Cheques and was on the government’s Citizens’ Stamp Advisory Committee for goodness’ sake.  Does that mean nothing in this day and age?

“It’s shocking really.  This last week has just been Michael Jackson this and Steve McNair that and Sarah Palin everywhere.  Karl Malden, people…. KARL …. MALDEN.”

Excerpted from the Bend Picayune:

Area DJ Randall Buttermaker says that, while he understands the irony in playing a song that is, by Springsteen’s own admission, critical of the USA,  he doesn’t really have a choice.

“The people have come to expect it at this point and my station manager isn’t very receptive to changing his go-to 4th of July playlist that always accompanies the fireworks down at Pilot Butte.”

“I brought it up last year and he glared at me and told me just to play the bleepin’ playlist.”

“What can you do?”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Timmy Wormwicker, an observer of the Bernie Madoff sentencing proceedings, spoke of the strange behavior by Madoff attorney Claxton J. Smuckers.

“Listen, I know he’s a public defender, probably a year out of law school, but that was inappropriate.  Even for a {redacted} like Bernie Madoff.”

“I don’t even think the judge was done speaking by the time he left the courtroom.”

“It was like he was shot out of a cannon.”