Excerpted from the Indianapolis Herald Tribune:

The Indianapolis offensive line has had enough of quarterback Peyton Manning’s shouting and pointing at the line of scrimmage.

Ryan Diem, offensive tackle for the Colts, had this to say:

“If he would just call an audible, that would be fine.  But instead he’s just pointing out the obvious.”

“It’s, like, really, Peyton? You don’t think that we see that hulking linebacker behind the defensive tackle?”

“Really? You think we’re just going to let him waltz on through?”

“Really?”

“But, of course you can’t say anything or he’ll look hurt and give you the Peyton manning face.”

Excerpted from the Cincinnati Ledger Express:

Grant Thimbleweed, an eyewitness, described the happening.

“Well, we were at this memorabilia show where Rose was signing stuff and then this one random guy walks by and yells, ‘Hey, Rose.  You jerk, you’ll never make it to the Hall of Fame.’ ”

“Charlie Hustle shot back, ‘Wanna put a fiver on it?’ ”

“The guy looked incredulous and then started yelling, ‘That’s partly why they kicked you out, you dumb piece of…,’ before he was tackled by the show’s security guards and dragged outside.”

“It was all pretty strange,” Thimbleweed added before holding up his autographed 8×12 photo of Rose crashing into Ray Fosse during the 1970 All-Star game.

Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

A source close to the former President and First Lady, who wished to remain anonymous, said the two are devastated by the supernatural development.

“They’re really wrecked.  Here they thought the poor little fella was getting laid to rest in Arkansas, as per their wishes, and then they have to find out that the jerk in charge of the internment decided to pocket a little cash by sending the poor little guy up to Maine.  Now the damn zombie cat’s roaming around attacking young children.  What a nightmare.”

“And I can’t even begin to imagine what Chelsea’s going through right now.”

Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

An anonymous source close to Lee’s children noted that they didn’t listen to Rush very often.

“It’s not that they think it’s bad… I guess, they just feel that there are better listening options at this point,” remarked the man.

“Wait, I forgot about Tom Sawyer.  They actually really, really, really hate the Tom Sawyer song.”