Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

Area resident Montgomery Wormwicker II came clean to his old high school buddies last week.

“I finally came clean about my claim of losing my virginity at a Canadian summer camp between my freshman and sophomore year,” said Wormwicker, “It seemed like an amazingly believable story at the time and I thought it would really boost my image in my peers’ eyes.”

Asked for comment, Wormwickers childhood chums raised their eyebrows and expressed their disbelief.  Specifically, their disbelief that Wormwicker had thought that they believed him.

“He was 110 lbs and had a terrible case of acne.  Of course, we didn’t believe him,” said friend Piotr Ponkowski.

“It was common knowledge that he was a virgin on his wedding day.”

Excerpted from the Seattle Galosh Inquisitor:

Freelance tech reporter Marco Wormwicker could hardly contain his excitement at the prospect of seeing a new and improved “blue screen of death” twice maybe three times a month.

“It’s fantastic,” said Wormwicker, “Absolutely fantastic.  Instead of your run of the mill, drab blue background, Microsoft finally called in some designers and UI experts to really crank it to 11.”

“It’s got everything: A gradient background and not one, but two little paperclip, Office Assistants to temper your frustration and be pleasantly unhelpful.”

“I didn’t ever think that I’d actually be looking forward to the 2, 3, sometimes 10 times a month when my Windows laptop crunks and hits me with a blue screen of death, but that day is here.”

“Thank you, Bill Gates.”