Excerpted from the Berlin Picayune:

One of German Chancellor Merkel’s closest advisers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed the lack of contact between President Obama’s hands and Merkel’s shoulders.

“It just hasn’t transpired,” the aid lamented, adding, “Obama’s just so into protocol and decorum.”

“Bush on the other hand.  Man, that guy was great.  So spontaneous and off-the-cuff.  You never knew who he was going maul or give a condescending nickname to. ”

“I, we, as I think I can speak for the European community at large, really miss that guy.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Local widower and San Clemente resident Frederick Crummles thinks the eHarmony matchmaking computer is just messing with him.

“It’s clearly messing with me,” Crummles snorted, “There’s no other way to describe it.  I’m a well educated equestrian who enjoys opera, boardgames and baseball statistics.  My last two matches were a hairdresser who ran an American Idol fan club and a techno/industrial music DJ who partially owned a glue factory.”

“It’s hard enough to try and move on from the passing of my dear wife, but to be blatantly jerked around by some impertinent software algorithm is just too much.

“29 dimensions of compatibility, my ass.”