Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Local widower and San Clemente resident Frederick Crummles thinks the eHarmony matchmaking computer is just messing with him.

“It’s clearly messing with me,” Crummles snorted, “There’s no other way to describe it.  I’m a well educated equestrian who enjoys opera, boardgames and baseball statistics.  My last two matches were a hairdresser who ran an American Idol fan club and a techno/industrial music DJ who partially owned a glue factory.”

“It’s hard enough to try and move on from the passing of my dear wife, but to be blatantly jerked around by some impertinent software algorithm is just too much.

“29 dimensions of compatibility, my ass.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Timmy Wormwicker, an observer of the Bernie Madoff sentencing proceedings, spoke of the strange behavior by Madoff attorney Claxton J. Smuckers.

“Listen, I know he’s a public defender, probably a year out of law school, but that was inappropriate.  Even for a {redacted} like Bernie Madoff.”

“I don’t even think the judge was done speaking by the time he left the courtroom.”

“It was like he was shot out of a cannon.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Despite O’Reilly’s several requests for Beck to join him for lunch in the Fox News cafeteria, a NewsCorp insider says Beck has yet to acquiesce to the senior broadcaster’s invitation.

“He’s been really elusive.  He’s never in the cafeteria at the same time as O’Reilly and if he does stumble in while Bill is there he always turns and leaves explaining that he left his wallet or that he thinks he left the stove on back at his mid-town apartment.”

“There’s even a rumor that Beck has a paid-intern who’s sole job is to track where O’Reilly is so that Beck doesn’t accidentally bump into him.”

When asked why Beck would be avoiding O’Reilly, the insider shrugged.

“Beats me.  It’s all very strange.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

The lesser known “bank stress test” was an informal polling of bank employees in New York City and across the Midwest.

The results were stark in the depth and severity of the terror currently burdening employees in the banking and financial fields.

One longevity-mortality derivatives trader at a bank that accepted TARP funds spoke of her ongoing panic on the condition of anonymity.

“It sucks.  My employer is basically bankrupt, so its just a matter of time before the company goes under or is, for all intents and purposes, taken over by the government.  That means no junkets to Vegas and the Caribbean and only bi-weekly dog grooming sessions for my weimeraner, Francis.”

“This is totally unacceptable.”

Excerpted from the Palo Alto Post Examiner:

A Silicon Valley insider said the iOwl was a long time coming.

“Steve Jobs has had his eye on this technology ever since he first saw Clash of the Titans back in 1981.  Well, the future is here.  3G internet connectivity, the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow, access to the apps store, heck, those engineering geniuses over at Apple even threw in holographic capabilities, like R2-D2 in Star Wars.”

“This thing’s frickin’ awesome.”

Excerpted from the Des Moines Unionist:

President of the local chapter of the environmental group Mark Wormwicker was less than pleased with the motel chain’s decision.

“It’s unconscionable, really.  We’re only asking them to leave the lights off until you arrive one night a year.  For them to not accommodate that request really speaks to their tone deafness on environmental matters.”

Wormwicker shook his head.

“Tom Bodett always struck me as a down to earth guy, too.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Sources close to Fast Money say the show’s crew came into the set early Monday morning and found the scat on top of the show’s main, on-air desk.

A producer for the network, who conversed with us under the promise of anonymity, said the network can’t conclusively prove who did it.

“We can’t prove it was Ratigan, or that the scat was human in nature for that matter, but I can’t imagine Najarian or Adami would have been angry enough with Ratigan’s departure to stoop to that level.”

“It’s baffling.”

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

John Wormwicker, customer service advocate for the Alliance of Customer Service Alliances, summed up the new findings.

“Well, it seems that the crux of Circuit City’s customer service problems was the actual connection of the call between their irate customers and their underwhelming customer service staff.”

“Usually it takes a minute or two of a interaction to facilitate the typical cycle of dissatisfaction, but not with Circuit City.  It’s as if the customers were prescient as to how terrible their experience was going to be.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Frederick Duggleskull, author of Dow 70,000 and Beyond!!!!!, vigorously defended his market call.

“Hah.  I will certainly not apologize for my ground breaking work.  Sure, it didn’t happen in the immediate time frame like I originally thought, but we’ll get there.  Maybe solely through insane, depression-fueled inflationary forces, but we’ll get there.”

“And by we, I mean your great-great-great-great-grandchildren.”

“And when it does, I invite you jackals to visit my tombstone, which is going to simply read, Called It.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Dr. Honeydew turned down our request for an interview, but directed us to a recent press release of his that firmly placed the blame on Beaker, categorizing him as a rogue quantitative analyst that acted without Honeydew’s authority.

“Beaker feels awful about what’s happened,” said one of his close associates that preferred to speak with anonymity.  “He feels like he was pressured by Dr. Honeydew into these false risk assessment models.”

“He’s in bad shape.  Last time I checked on him he was wandering around his apartment muttering to himself.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

A federal marshall, wishing to remain anonymous, explained what transpired.

“So then Madoff says, ‘Sure, sure, I’ve got the money. No problem. I just left my checkbook in Antananarivo (The capital of Madagascar). I’ll be right back to make this right.’”

“The director bought it hook, line, and sinker. He even drove him to the airport, but just as they arrived the director said, ‘Hey, wait a minute. Isn’t Madagascar one of the countries we don’t have an extradition treaty with?’ Madoff shrugged, smiled and said, ‘Got me.’”

“We all had a good laugh.”