Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Sources close to Greenspan say the former Federal Reserve Chairman is resorting to wearing a fake moustache in public.  One of his associates, who wished to speak anonymously, elaborated:

“Well, frankly, I think he’s just tired of being heckled in public.  He and Andrea Mitchell will be trying to enjoy an evening out and random jerks will just start heckling him.   They’ll say things like, ‘Hey Greenspan, nice housing bubble, Jack-Ass.’”

“Or ‘Hey Greenspan, you know how I know you’re incompetent?  Because you received the Presidential Medal of Freedom under George W. Bush, that’s how.  Paul Volcker you are not, Jack-Ass.’”

“Some nights he even wears a bowler out for extra anonymity.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

“…thus we, Wall St. and the larger US financial community at large, are sorry if any global financial entities weren’t smart enough to figure out that these SIVs and CDOs were massively convoluted, inherently opaque and regrettably illiquid.  In the future, perhaps the global regulatory and ratings agencies should do a better job of localized risk assessment and not actively contribute to a possible systematic financial meltdown.”

“Anyway, we’re sorry if you’re lack of foresight and due diligence has lead to calamitous currency devaluation and civil unrest.  Those are tough breaks.”

“Remember, just because we manufactured, misrepresented and sold the alleged toxicity doesn’t alleviate your culpability as purchasers.”

“No hard feelings, ok?”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

An acquaintance of Madoff, who wished to remain anonymous, said the alleged Ponzi-schemer was spending an inordinate amount of time on Facebook.  Said the source:

“Bernie had a lot of time on his hands, as he was basically locked down in his apartment, you know.  So, one of his friends told him about Facebook and he was really taken with it.  One of my other friends overheard him say that he was really sorry he hadn’t found out about it sooner.”

“You know, with the networking possibilities and all.”

Excerpted from the Manassas Statesman:

A local Starbucks patron and Catholic parishioner, who wished to remain anonymous, witnessed the event.

“He gathered his coffee and then sat in the corner with his laptop.  A couple of minutes later he just erupted.  He raised his hands in the air and yelled, ‘God d*mn it.  Now the consumer staples are getting hammered?  This is horse…er…bleep.’  Except he actually used the curse word.”

“He was embarrassed, evidently, as he packed his things up in a hurry and left.”

“I didn’t even know priests had brokerage accounts.”