Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Donna Duggerskull, drive-through window employee at a Wendy’s in Brooklyn, says she can always tell when it’s James Earl Jones ordering.

“Without a doubt.  His voice is so unique that when it bellows through the headset asking for a frosty or large fries I know that it’s him.  I’m a big fan of Star Wars and Field of Dreams and I watched a lot of CNN, so yeah, I can tell it’s him every time.”

“He’s a good sport, too.  We always ask him to say lines from his movies, like ‘Luke, I’m your father’ and ‘This is CNN,’ and he hasn’t let us down yet.”

“He was even nice enough to autograph my work visor.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

California state comptroller, Miles Duggerskull, broke the news that the Springfield Bear Patrol had been the latest casualty of the state budget crisis.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I announce the ending of this program,” Duggerskull said, “I wish there were some way to keep it running, but our budgetary crisis is too large and the statewide bear attack numbers are too few.”

Yreka resident Max Pantaloons could barely maintain his outrage.

“I can barely contain my outrage,” Pantaloons said dryly, “It’s just another example of those fat, city cats up at the capital not understanding what us rural folk have to go through.”

“Sure, the program didn’t affect me up here in Yreka and, sure, there hasn’t been a fatal bear attack in Springfield in over a decade, but it’s the principle, damnit.  It’s the principle.”

Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

An anonymous source close to Lee’s children noted that they didn’t listen to Rush very often.

“It’s not that they think it’s bad… I guess, they just feel that there are better listening options at this point,” remarked the man.

“Wait, I forgot about Tom Sawyer.  They actually really, really, really hate the Tom Sawyer song.”

Excerpted from the Des Moines Unionist:

Area resident Gregorio Wormwicker immediately regretted the wisecrack he made referencing the similarities between the Total Recall character Cuato and his newborn son, Craig.

“Specifically, I regret cracking that joke in front of my wife, Beatrice.  She doesn’t really have a sense of humor anyway, but throw in some catastrophic sleep deprivation and some likely post-partem depression and, man, she nearly snapped my head off.”

When reached for comment, Mrs. Wormwicker mumbled something about her husband being an idiot and slammed the front door.

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Local couple Stede and Suzie Wormwicker expressed their astonishment at being shown the King of Pop’s old domecile by their realtor.

“It was strange, to say the least,” said Suzie. “Mainly, because we’re in the market for a starter home and our credit union has only approved us for a $145,000 loan.”

“And, most importantly, because it was freaking Neverland Ranch,” added Stede.

“We’re getting a new realtor.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Local music afficionado Clark Wormwicker said he was stunned when he overheard a woman at Starbucks describe Dylan’s voice as “angelic.”

“I spit some of my macchiato on the LA Weekly I was reading.  I’ve never done that before, but it was just such a stunningly inappropriate comment.  I turned to look at the woman, assuming that she must have some catastrophic hearing deficiency, but there was nothing obvious, like a hearing aid or the like, that would account for a comment such as that.”

“Though, come to think of it, she did have on a Nickelback tour shirt.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Jackson Buttermaker, president of the California chapter of the Karl Malden Fan Club, expressed his dismay at the brief mention Malden received on news casts this week.

“He put in seven decades of fine performances, was the voice of  American Express Travelers Cheques and was on the government’s Citizens’ Stamp Advisory Committee for goodness’ sake.  Does that mean nothing in this day and age?

“It’s shocking really.  This last week has just been Michael Jackson this and Steve McNair that and Sarah Palin everywhere.  Karl Malden, people…. KARL …. MALDEN.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Pamona resident, and member of the Pamona Lesser Demons motorcycle club, Sebediah Duggerskull, tried to put into words the effect Michael Jackson’s passing had upon him.

“I mean, jeez.  I’m just sitting there at our weekly meeting of the Lesser Demons and next thing I know Jimmy Two-Jacks tells us all that the king of pop had passed.  There was the usual wisecracks and stuff that I won’t repeat, but next thing I know I’m getting emotional about his passing.”

“It was weird, man.  I don’t even like his music.”

“What?  Oh, sure.  You bet your ass I didn’t stick around.  I told ‘em I thought I had left a loaded handgun in the living room with my kids and ripped right out of there.”

Excerpted from the Walla Walla Sentinel Courier:

A source close to Carey said the messages have been discouraging.

“Drew’s enjoying himself and he’s doing a great job, but he’s in a really difficult position. Bob Barker was such a beloved figure and audience has come to expect some canned flirting between the host and Barker’s Beauties, but that isn’t really Drew’s specialty.”

“I think that’s what lead Barker to start leaving all those messages.  They started out innocently enough, like the time he berated Drew for not looking the Beauties in the eye while he’s talking to them, but it became progressively worse.”

“I can’t even repeat the contents of the now infamous ‘Plinko Rant.’ ”

“The worse though is when Carey has to do the Hole in One game.  He’ll get home after those tapings have aired and have 3-4 vitriol-laced messages from the former host regarding his putting.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Industry insiders say the dynamic director/producer pair are all set to make the eighth, and most extreme, installment of the film franchise a reality.

“It’s a definite go,” said one of the insiders, who wished to remain anonymous due to contractual issues.

“They’ve got Michael Rapaport and Sean Combs lined up as Tackleberry and Jones and they’ve even got Bubba Smith and Michael Winslow signed on for supporting roles.”

“It’s going to be great.”

Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

Monty Wormwicker, president of the All That Glitters Is Golden Girls fan club, was visibly shaken by the news.

“Words can’t express how heartbroken I am right now.  This really hurts.  Probably as much as if I was family or friend to her.”

“I was holding out hope for one last reunion special, but that seems unlikely now, even with the CGI effects available nowadays.”

“I have dreamed a dream, and now that dream has gone from me.”