Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Our source, who wished to remain anonymous, commented on the exchange he heard at the Manhattan restaurant.

“A young woman approached him and asked about his appearance on Letterman.   Phoenix looked at her quizzically and said that he wished Letterman would have him on the show and guffawed about how it would really jumpstart his rap career.”

“The woman exclaimed, ‘But you were on Letterman, just a couple of months back…”

“He replied, ‘I was on Letterman? When?’ “

Excerpted Palo Alto Post Examiner:

Patty Wormwicker remained incredulous, even after being told that the Maldives were a chain of islands off Sri Lanka.

“Really?”

“I could have swore that my guild raided an orc stronghold by that name, two weeks back.”

“I guess I should have known that, but I’ve been really getting into leveling my druid recently.”

“His name is Nightgrowler in case you were wondering.”

Excerpted from the Walla Walla Sentinel Courier:

Despite the conclusion of the show’s 15 year run, NBC has decided to continue running the show’s promotional advertisements.

Vice President of NBC-Universal’s Medical Related Programming, Reginald Wormwicker, explained the unique decision.

“We’ve gotten an incredibly large response from the carpet bombing of our ER promos across the rest of our programming,” Wormwicker remarked, “And, though most of it’s overwhelmingly negative, it’s still keeping ER in the forefront of people’s minds.”

“So, in order to keep fanning the flames, we’ve decided continue with the promos.   From there we hope to do 10-15 special 2-hour ‘ER Events’ in the future.   It’s going to be great.”

“It’s such a treasured show.”

Excerpted from the Cookie Mountain Herald:

The celebratory parade was led by a man who only identified himself as Toad.  The diminutive leader could barely contain his excitement at the news.

“About frickin’ time.  That a-hole has been running around with impunity, kidnapping princesses left and right and nothing was ever done about it.”

“I couldn’t be more pleased that Mario and Luigi have given up plumbing and formed a civil police force.”

“You know, as long as they… like… don’t interfere with an individuals God-given right to ingest as many hallucinogenic mushrooms as I… errrr… he, rather a hypothetical citizen may deem necessary to, you know, make it through another day in this strange, strange land.”

Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

The spokesman for the pornography company explained that it was a natural progression for the industry.

“We give the people what they want and, as this illustrates, there is apparently a market for anything.  Including watching the coitus of barely discernible human beings.”

“In a related matter, we also have a standing offer for any extraterrestrials that may want to become intimate in front of the camera.”

“That would be the next logical progression from here.”

Excerpted from the Walla Walla Sentinel Courier:

A source close to both Judge and Winger says it was a long time coming.

“It just seemed gratuitous at times,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous.  “I mean, I never much cared for his music either, but to lambaste a man you haven’t even met for four odd years on that show is tough.”

“Anyway, the Vermont Teddy Bear with the Winger shirt was really a nice gesture on Judge’s part.”

Excerpted from the Montreal Gazette:

And while the success of the commercials has been rewarding monetarily, friends of the actor say he’s not been as successful with the ladies as he’d hoped.

A close friend, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “He’s a bit down at the moment.  I think he thought the notoriety would lead to a lot of female attention, but it just hasn’t materialized.  The cute ones that recognize him all have boyfriends and he’s too proud at the moment to hook up with their heavier and hairier friends.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Five minutes after Slumdog Millionaire won the Oscar for Best Picture renowned porn producer Claxton Wormwicker stood up from his chair, thrust a finger up to the ceiling, and proclaimed, “I’ve got it.  I’ve got the name for the Slumdog porno parody.”

When pressed to tell the name Wormwicker declined, but added, “It’s going to be even bigger than Saving Ryan’s Privates.”