Excerpted from the Boston Plainsmen:

Postilski picked himself off the ground and wiped his mouth.  He carefully stepped over the spot where he vomited and screamed skyward, “I love St. Patrick’s Day!”

“Sorry to cut this interview short,” he said with a shrug, “But my friends and I are going to scrounge up some breakfast.”  He then proceeded to put his arms around his friends and the group spontaneously broke into song as they walked away.

“Oh, Danny boy, the something, something, something…”

Excerpted from the Palo Alto Post Examiner:

Friends of Stanford’s mother say she’s quite concerned the rest of the Pac-10 won’t show up.  Said one friend who wished to remain unnamed:

“It’s pretty obvious that the nine of them loathe the poor kid.  She thinks it’s because he’s smarter and more handsome than the rest of them.”

The woman shrugged.

“I guess.”

When asked if the mother had a back-up plan, the friend answered quickly, “Sure, sure.  She called Duke, of course, and Princeton.  It will be alright.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Many of the nation’s rich refused to comment regarding the move, but the Spectrum found one member of the Upper Crust that was willing to speak off the record.  He said the following:

“Well, we basically did it to blend in.  As the economy worsens, we don’t want to fall victim to the taunts and occasional violent act that our industrialist grandfathers and great-grandfathers were subjected to during the Great Depression.”

“We just want our drivers to be able to drop us in front of Tiffany’s or Louis Vitton and not have to deal with the rabble while we shop for our mistresses.  Is that too much to ask?”

Excerpted from the Mumbai Intelligencer:

Representatives of the Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO) explained that they appreciated the offer from NASA and Hollywood, but that they hoped their astronauts would actually touch down on lunar soil.

Deputy director Rakesh Chopra explained further.

“It’s not that we don’t appreciate the offer.  I mean, they did a heck of a job back in ‘69 and they even offered to let us use the same set and backdrop over in North Hollywood.”

“We just feel we have the will and the technical know-how to actually pull it off in reality and we’ve decided as a nation to just go for it.”

Excerpted from the Brussels Global Informer:

Portugal was seen shaking it’s head.  When asked why, it responded with the following:

“It’s just so sad.  It’s such a fall from grace.  It was a global financial powerhouse just a couple of years ago.  It’s amazing.”

“I remember talking to Italy about Iceland’s 12% CD yields and how we should go in on them.  Man, but that was what it was like back then.   Iceland just had the buzz, man.”

“So, yeah, we all gave some euros.  I mean, we couldn’t just ignore our comrade.  Hopefully, it will be enough to get Iceland back on it’s feet and moving forward to a more prosperous day.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Asked to respond to the firing of the capable and heroic captain, US Airways didn’t comment.  One middle-manager spoke with the Spectrum off the record.

“Listen, sure it seems outrageous to pink-slip this American hero that saved the lives of 155 people, but it’s not so crazy when you find out how much that plane cost.”

“Give up?  65 million dollars.  And guess what?  Right, we’re not insured for flooding.  So, with the cumulative water damage, we’ll get salvage value at most.”

“See our side of it now?”

Excerpted from the Paris Beacon:

Some, such as retired geography teacher and self-described curmudgeon Mac Wormwicker, were incredulous that the 2009 rally was held in Argentina & Chile.

“What kind of horse-hockey is that?  It’s called the Dakar Rally for jiminy’s sake.  And now they’re going to hold it on another continent?  Outrageous.  They should be forced to change the name.”

When reached for comment one Dakar organizer said, on the condition of anonymity:

“It’s because of Al-Qaeda threats.  Tell those jack-asses that it’s because of terror threats.”

Excerpted from the Bratislava Herald:

While commonly seen amidst sibling rivalry, sulking isn’t as commonplace in international quarters.  When asked to comment on the strange dynamic between the two formerly joined countries, Germany had the following to say.

“Man, beats me.  You think the Czechs could at least feign some excitement for the Slovaks, but apparently not.”

“The strangest part is that the Czech Republic could have already adopted the Euro by now, but its populace keeps voting it down.”

“It’s all very illogical.”

Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

Wilmer Wormwicker immediately fessed up to the indiscretion.

“Busted.  You got me.  It’s just that I did such a terrible job with last year’s resolutions that I thought, ‘What the hell?’”

“So, I’m going to give them another go.  Hello, triathlon.”

“Wish me luck.”