Excerpted from the Berlin Picayune:

One of German Chancellor Merkel’s closest advisers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed the lack of contact between President Obama’s hands and Merkel’s shoulders.

“It just hasn’t transpired,” the aid lamented, adding, “Obama’s just so into protocol and decorum.”

“Bush on the other hand.  Man, that guy was great.  So spontaneous and off-the-cuff.  You never knew who he was going maul or give a condescending nickname to. ”

“I, we, as I think I can speak for the European community at large, really miss that guy.”

Excerpted from the Dallas Wildcatter:

George W. Bush Presidential Library librarian Mona Wormwicker expressed surprise that she hadn’t met the former president yet.

“It’s not a huge deal, I guess, but I really thought I’d have seen him by now.  We’ve had probably a hundred meetings dealing with the architectural plans and he and Laura’s ‘vision’ for the edifice, but W hasn’t dropped in once.”

“I was in from the ground floor for George H.W. Bush’s library in Houston and he was all over the place there … bringing us coffee and sandwiches, measuring girders, hand delivering old volumes of congressional drafts and executive orders from the 19th century…”

“I guess the apple fell pretty far from the tree with this one…”

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Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

A source close to the former President and First Lady, who wished to remain anonymous, said the two are devastated by the supernatural development.

“They’re really wrecked.  Here they thought the poor little fella was getting laid to rest in Arkansas, as per their wishes, and then they have to find out that the jerk in charge of the internment decided to pocket a little cash by sending the poor little guy up to Maine.  Now the damn zombie cat’s roaming around attacking young children.  What a nightmare.”

“And I can’t even begin to imagine what Chelsea’s going through right now.”

Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Sources close to This Week with George Stephanopoulos say that the former vice-president watched the entire taping from the right side of the stage.

“He just stood there, intently watching the segment his daughter Liz was on,” said one production assistant who wished to remain anonymous.

“Every time he thought she made a salient point on the torture issue he would swing his fist like he was throwing a hook.  It was a little weird, but then when the segment ended he rushed up to greet her and they exchanged one of the poorest, most awkward high fives I’ve seen in a long time.”

Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Aides of the senators say that, as unlikely as the blossoming friendships are, the three are becoming inseparable.

“It’s really been remarkable,” said one aide, who wished to remain anonymous.  “Sure, Lindsey and Jeff have always been affable companions, but they were never that close.  Then Franken shows up last week and the three of them are thick as thieves.”

“They’ve been to Nationals games, the Library of Congress, heck there’s even a rumor that the three of them TP’d and stole the hubcaps off Patrick Leahy’s new Lincoln Continental.”

“One can only imagine what kind of trouble they’re going to get into next.”

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Excerpted from the Charleston Herald Examiner:

Screenprinter Maxwell Skulldugger played a hunch that didn’t pan out.  The Charleston resident thought South Carolina governor Mark Sanford had an excellent chance to become the 2012 Republican Presidential nominee and that Nevada Senator John Ensign would make a logical VP pick.

So, two weeks ago the screenprinter printed up 2,000 “Sanford – Ensign 2012″ shirts and prepared to sell the merchandise locally and on ebay.

Then came each politician’s philandering.

“Crap, that was bad timing.  I’ll be lucky if I sell two dozen of these lousy shirts now,” Skulldugger complained.

“Guess I should have gone with Haley Barbour and Mitt Romney.”

Excerpted from the Palo Alto Post Examiner:

While area insomniac Claxton Wormwicker had been a fan of the former Vice President long before Gore released an onslaught of self-narrated versions of his books, he’s certainly a fan for life now.

“Before I discovered Gore’s soothing, droning narration I was getting one, maybe two hours of sleep a night.  My mind would race and I just couldn’t calm down enough to fall asleep.  Now I just pop in Assault on Reason or Earth in Balance and *bam* I’m out like a light bulb.  It takes maybe 5-10 minutes max.”

“It’s so effective that I’ve been using it for six months now and I’m still no farther than the second chapter.”

Excerpted from the Tehran Post Examiner:

In an odd procedural twist, Katherine Harris was called in to certify the 2009 Iranian presidential election victory of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Tuesday.

Iranian elections experts seemed baffled by the little known protocol that called for a former United States congresswoman from Florida to certify the election results.

“I had never heard of that one before the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ali Khamenei, clearly showed the passage in his very definitely unrevised version of the constitution,” one Iranian legal expert said.

“Who knew?”

Excerpted from the Nome Observer Courier:

In a frank admission to Fox News on-air personality Greta Van Susteren, Todd Palin admitted that residents of Alaska don’t actually refer to snowmobiles as snowmachines.

“Yep, it started as a joke and then one of McCain’s campaign strategists just went with it,” Palin confessed.

“Something about how people love exotic sounding things.”

Palin shrugged.

“I thought it was a bit ridiculous, but they were supposed to know what they were doing, so we rolled with it and asked the Wasilla residents to do the same.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Mayor Bloomberg proudly announced the successful legislation.

“For too long douchebags and financiers, and douchebaggy financiers have been walking and using their cell phones and then bumping into people on the sidewalks of our fine city.  Well, no more.  The people have spoken and those unseemly individuals will now have to come to a complete stop before conversing.”

“And God help you if we see you walking, talking on your cell phone, and not picking up after your grossly undersized dog.”

“Bloomberg out.”

Excerpted from the Laramie Spur:

One of the Cheney grandchildren who insisted on anonymity to the extent he or she would only let us use the pronoun “it” to describe him or her, commented on the plan.

“Oh, there’ll be no trouble from us.  We sometimes get into trouble tromping around their land in Wyoming, but not anymore.  Not after what’s come out about the enhanced interrogation programs.  Nope, there won’t be any trouble from us.”

“Heck, we won’t even track dirt into the kitchen.”

Excerpted from the Las Vegas Bandit:

Neighbors of Uncle Sam reported that he was hurredly loading his Porsche SUV with suitcases overflowing with greenbacks.  Friend and confident Pecos Bill expressed his concern.

“I know he’s fallen on some hard times here, but it really looks like he’s panicking.  I spoke with him briefly on the phone last night and he went on about how it’s all just a house of cards and that he really needs to catch a break and double up.”

“He then mumbled something about how he was going to pick up Britannia at Dulles and then they were both headed to Vegas’ roulette tables to bet their entire tax bases on black.”

” ‘Always bet on black’ was the last thing he said before hanging up.”