Excerpted from the Las Vegas Bandit:

Neighbors of Uncle Sam reported that he was hurredly loading his Porsche SUV with suitcases overflowing with greenbacks.  Friend and confident Pecos Bill expressed his concern.

“I know he’s fallen on some hard times here, but it really looks like he’s panicking.  I spoke with him briefly on the phone last night and he went on about how it’s all just a house of cards and that he really needs to catch a break and double up.”

“He then mumbled something about how he was going to pick up Britannia at Dulles and then they were both headed to Vegas’ roulette tables to bet their entire tax bases on black.”

” ‘Always bet on black’ was the last thing he said before hanging up.”

Excerpted from the Crawford Citizen Times:

One Dallas party-goer, that wished to remain anonymous, acted surprised.

“To be honest, it was a little strange to see the former President just walk in the front door with a sixer of near-beer.  I know he lives just a block or two down the street, but it just seems like he would still have more important things to do than drop in on random parties and tell off-color jokes.”

“I don’t know, maybe continue his fight against the global AIDS pandemic or something.”

Excerpted from the Burbank Chronicler:

Eyewitnesses say the Governor was staggering around downtown Sacramento wearing only furs and carrying a two-handed sword and the head of Queen Isabella from the statue in the Capital Rotunda.

“The man’s still quite strong,” said one eyewitness, “Wielding those two-handed swords with any proficiency is no joke and he took Queen Isabella’s head right off with a single swing.”

Maria Shriver has publicly appealed for the statesman to return home.

Excerpted from the Atlanta Pioneer:

The two men first crossed swords during an interview on MSNBC’s Hardball on September 1, 2004.  An acquaintance of Miller, who preferred to remain off the record, explained:

“Zell’s still really cross with that know-it-all Matthews.  Whenever Matthews or Hardball or even MSNBC is brought up, he unconsciously reaches to his hip.  Matthews is really lucky our social norms have changed or Miller would be blasting it out with him one dewy morning.”

Excerpted from the Crawford Citizen Times:

Sources close to Mrs. Bush say that she’s sad for her father, but excited that her public activities won’t be scrutinized as closely with the ending of his presidency.

“She’s as excited as all get-out,” said a source that wished to remain anonymous.  “Everybody knows her as an accomplished teacher, author and UNICEF advocate, but not many people are aware of how good she is at armwrestling and bare-knuckle boxing.”

“So, I think she just wants to travel the Mexican cantina circuit for a spell and see if she can make a name for herself armwrestling and boxing.”

“It’s a very exciting time for her.”

Excerpted from the Bratislava Herald:

While commonly seen amidst sibling rivalry, sulking isn’t as commonplace in international quarters.  When asked to comment on the strange dynamic between the two formerly joined countries, Germany had the following to say.

“Man, beats me.  You think the Czechs could at least feign some excitement for the Slovaks, but apparently not.”

“The strangest part is that the Czech Republic could have already adopted the Euro by now, but its populace keeps voting it down.”

“It’s all very illogical.”