Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Marcus Duggerskull, head of the Baltimore Chapter of the Washington Generals Fan Club, waved the 5,000 signature petition he gathered calling for the resignation or firing of the Washington Generals GM.  He and several other members of the fan club arrived at the front door of the basketball franchise’s administrative headquarters to hand deliver the petition.

“His track record is appalling,” Duggerskull said to the gathered media, “He has to go.”

“Did you know that since 1953 he’s overseen only six General victories and, get this, over 13,000 losses to the Harlem Globetrotters and others.  Why not just hire Matt Millen after his stint in Detroit?  At least his teams won more than .046% of the time.”

“This is an outrage and as hard-core fans we’re not going to stand by and be quiet any longer.”

Excerpted from the Indianapolis Herald Tribune:

The Indianapolis offensive line has had enough of quarterback Peyton Manning’s shouting and pointing at the line of scrimmage.

Ryan Diem, offensive tackle for the Colts, had this to say:

“If he would just call an audible, that would be fine.  But instead he’s just pointing out the obvious.”

“It’s, like, really, Peyton? You don’t think that we see that hulking linebacker behind the defensive tackle?”

“Really? You think we’re just going to let him waltz on through?”

“Really?”

“But, of course you can’t say anything or he’ll look hurt and give you the Peyton manning face.”

Excerpted from the Cincinnati Ledger Express:

Grant Thimbleweed, an eyewitness, described the happening.

“Well, we were at this memorabilia show where Rose was signing stuff and then this one random guy walks by and yells, ‘Hey, Rose.  You jerk, you’ll never make it to the Hall of Fame.’ ”

“Charlie Hustle shot back, ‘Wanna put a fiver on it?’ ”

“The guy looked incredulous and then started yelling, ‘That’s partly why they kicked you out, you dumb piece of…,’ before he was tackled by the show’s security guards and dragged outside.”

“It was all pretty strange,” Thimbleweed added before holding up his autographed 8×12 photo of Rose crashing into Ray Fosse during the 1970 All-Star game.

Excerpted from the St. Paul Sentinel:

An anonymous source close to the team said both Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels were witnessed by coaches throwing skittles and other bite-sized candies at the back of Brett Favre’s head during the new quarterback’s first film session with the team.

“It was pretty sophomoric,” said the source.  “Every time Favre would turn around to see who had thrown the candy the two of them would look away and whistle.”

“It continued until one of them belted Favre with a Jawbreaker and then quarterbacks coach Kevin Rogers finally put an end to it.”

“To be honest, having seen the two backups play before, we all were a little surprised at how accurate they were.”

Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

Sources present at the Cavaliers End of the Year Banquet said that it was an uncomfortable experience.

“My wife and I left as soon as we could,” remarked an employee in Cleveland’s front office, who wished to remain anonymous.

“When one of his teammates would walk up to receive their award, Lebron would alternate between long, slow claps and vigorous clapping.”

“It was pretty obvious he was still steamed by their lack of support during the Orlando series.”

Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

One casual acquaintance of Andersen, who wished to remain anonymous, said the Birdman’s been focusing his off-season efforts into taking the Denver Nuggets to the NBA title on his X-Box 360 version of NBA Live 2009.

“He was really devastated by the loss to the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals, so I think this is a bit of redemption for him.”

“He’s really been logging some hours.  I think the virtual Birdman’s been averaging a triple double during the playoffs.”

“It’s pretty impressive actually.”

Excerpted from Baltimore Dispatch:

Area man and self-proclaimed misogynist, Maxford Duggleskull, expressed his outrage at the filly’s victory.

“That was a disgusting display.  It’s like the 12 colts and their jockeys weren’t even trying.  Watch the replay of the stretch run and tell me they were whipping those good for nothing animals sufficiently.  You gonna lose to a female and cross the finish line with no blood on your animal?  Outrageous and cowardly is what it is.”

“It’s bad enough that I have to watch promotional ads for the WNBA, but this?  This?”

Excerpted from the Chicago Daily Gazette Leader:

One unnamed safety for the Green Bay Packers could hardly contain his glee at the prospect of Favre signing for the Minnesota Vikings.

“It would be fantastic.  There’s no other way of putting it.  I’m in a contract year and this could mean a lot to me.  Agents and statisticians have quantified what each interception is worth to a starting safety with my experience.  Want to know what it is?”

“$93, 473.   And you can imagine how loose Favre’s going to be with the ball, during what would have to be his last go around.”

“Conservatively, the minute he signs on the dotted line, I’ve got two INTs in the bag.  It’s going to be great.”

Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

Dodger fan Ricky Wormwicker expressed his surprise at the cause of the 50 game suspension.

“Performance enhancing drugs?  Really?  That sort of implies that he gives a {expletive}, which, from all accounts, doesn’t seem to be or ever have been his M.O.”

“That means modus operandi, in case you didn’t…oh, you knew that.  Sorry.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

A source close to ESPN, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Kiper has had some problems differentiating previous years’ drafts from the 2009 NFL draft beginning this Saturday.

“It’s not a big deal,” said the source, “but on a recent ESPN podcast he recommended the Eagles take a flyer on Terrell Davis or Christian Okoye to replenish their running back corps.”

“It’s a little off, but we’re just going to let Mel be Mel.”

Excerpted from the Miami Sunspot:

An assistant to the FIU Athletic Director expressed his excitement at the hiring.

“We couldn’t be more excited that NBA Hall of Famer Isiah Thomas is joining the coaching ranks for the first time ever at our fine southern Florida institution.  We’re absolutely giddy about it.”

When told that Thomas had coached previously with the Indiana Pacers and the New York Knicks of the NBA, several administrative members of the school looked puzzled.  Briefly speechless, the assistant stepped up to the microphone and put the matter to rest.

“We weren’t aware of that, but I’m sure he did a great job at those previous coaching stops and we look forward to him taking our program to the next level.”