Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr:

The anonymous source gave the Zephyr an exclusive glimpse at the performance review.

Positive Attributes:

Has a great arm.

Community involvement.

Verbal sparring with Philip Rivers

Potential:

Has great potential. Not as much as Matt Cassel, but still pretty good.

Needed Performance Improvement:

Returning coaches’ text messages

Adapting well to change

Maintaining a positive attitude when under stress

Happy to be here

Being okay with the coaches going behind his back to try swap him for a QB he considers inferior

Throwing into triple coverage while rolling out to his right

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

An acquaintance of Nantz says he’s not coping with the separation well.

“It’s common knowledge that he’s broken down a couple of times when Packer’s been brought up in conversation.”

“I know they worked together a long time, but multiple, emotional breakdowns over Billy Packer?  Strikes me as a little odd.”

Excerpted from the Burbank Chronicler:

An area man that witnessed the event described it to us.

“Gosh, I had just ordered my expresso and sat down when I look up and see this geeky looking guy muttering at his laptop screen.  He started cursing about 2nd division, German soccer and PBA bowling and then he just…like…transformed or something.  Next thing I know there’s this green monster in front of me.”

“The creature screamed ‘Hulk no like Canadian women’s curling’ and then smashed his laptop to smithereens, before bounding through the wall and disappearing into the countryside.”

Excerpted from the Springfield Beacon:

Close associates of Simpson say that he’s still quite angry over having lost control of the controlling interest in the team.  One such associate, who preferred to remain nameless, said:

“What happened to Homer ain’t right.  He put his time in with Hank Scorpio and the Globex Corporation and rightly deserved that sorry sack of a football team.  I mean, jeez, just ’cause Homer supported the Springfield Monorail means the Bowlens can put a lien against the team?  Doesn’t make sense to me, but (Lionel) Hutz told Homer he doesn’t have a case.”

“Now are you going to order something or what?”

Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch:

Anonymous sources at the party in question say the reason the photos of Phelps smoking marijuana were released were not for monetary reasons, as initially suspected.

“He was narced off, because he kept cashing all the bowls,” said one source.  “His lung capacity is so insanely good that he would pull off the bong, and pull off the bong and continue to pull of the bong until the whole damn bud was gone.”

“He kept doing that and laughing and then he’d do it some more.”

“People were getting pissed at the rapidly diminishing weed and I think that’s what led to those pictures getting released.”

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

An unnamed source close to Kurt Warner said that the Cardinal star quarterback was planning an “epic” thank you to his Lord and Savior had Phoenix pulled off the upset.  The source elaborated:

“I was pulling for him, obviously, because I’m his friend, but I’m also really bummed that he wasn’t able to recite his epic tribute to the Lord.  That would have been five minutes of passionate Christian testimonial and, equally as compelling, five minutes of the secular, sideline reporter looking dumbfounded.”

“Shoot.”

Excerpted from the Phoenix Oracle:

A surprising winner was announced for the Associated Press’ 2008 NFL Comeback Player of the Year award.  The landslide winner was Brenda Warner’s hair.  Said one voter, who wished to remain anonymous:

“Sure, her husband and Chad Pennington had good years, but I just felt there wasn’t a more pleasant surprise than the haircut she’s been sporting recently.  That was the only thing people were talking about the week leading into the Super Bowl.  All you’d hear were superlatives like ‘fetching’ and ‘enchanting’ when people were speaking about her new look.  So, to me it was a no brainer.”

Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer:

A Pro Football HoF voter, who wished to remain anonymous, cited Woodson’s NES Tecmo Super Bowl performances against the old AFC Central as a determining factor in his mind.

Said the voter:

“I mean, sure, he would eat up Houston and Cincinnati, but, geez, that guy just gutted the Browns.  You’d think you’d have the deep ball and then out of no where there’d be Woodson for the INT.  I, mean, he’d be at the line of scrimmage for Christ’s sake.  I’ve never seen such closing speed.”

“And don’t even think about throwing a slant to his side if the Steelers guessed your play.  That’d be a sure pick.”