http://newsgrift.com Thu, 11 Mar 2010 04:47:23 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en Excerpted from the Berlin Picayune: One of German Chancellor Merkel's closest advisers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed the lack of contact between President Obama's hands and Merkel's shoulders. "It just hasn't transpired," the aid lamented, adding, "Obama's just so into protocol and decorum." "Bush on the other hand.  Man, that guy ... http://newsgrift.com/2010/03/10/angela-merkel-yet-to-receive-backrub-from-obama Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer: Local widower and San Clemente resident Frederick Crummles thinks the eHarmony matchmaking computer is just messing with him. "It's clearly messing with me," Crummles snorted, "There's no other way to describe it.  I'm a well educated equestrian who enjoys opera, boardgames and baseball statistics.  My last ... http://newsgrift.com/2010/03/08/eharmony-computer-just-messing-with-people Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum: Donna Duggerskull, drive-through window employee at a Wendy's in Brooklyn, says she can always tell when it's James Earl Jones ordering. "Without a doubt.  His voice is so unique that when it bellows through the headset asking for a frosty or large fries I know that it's ... http://newsgrift.com/2010/01/13/drive-through-lady-can-tell-when-its-james-earl-jones-ordering Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch: Marcus Duggerskull, head of the Baltimore Chapter of the Washington Generals Fan Club, waved the 5,000 signature petition he gathered calling for the resignation or firing of the Washington Generals GM.  He and several other members of the fan club arrived at the front door of ... http://newsgrift.com/2009/12/02/fans-call-for-sacking-of-washington-generals-gm Excerpted from the Dallas Wildcatter: George W. Bush Presidential Library librarian Mona Wormwicker expressed surprise that she hadn't met the former president yet. "It's not a huge deal, I guess, but I really thought I'd have seen him by now.  We've had probably a hundred meetings dealing with the architectural plans and ... http://newsgrift.com/2009/11/10/librarian-at-george-w-bush-presidential-library-thought-shed-have-met-bush-by-now Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer: California state comptroller, Miles Duggerskull, broke the news that the Springfield Bear Patrol had been the latest casualty of the state budget crisis. "It's with a heavy heart that I announce the ending of this program," Duggerskull said, "I wish there were some way to keep ... http://newsgrift.com/2009/11/02/bear-patrol-casualty-of-ca-budget-cuts Excerpted from the Denver Zephyr: Area resident Montgomery Wormwicker II came clean to his old high school buddies last week. "I finally came clean about my claim of losing my virginity at a Canadian summer camp between my freshman and sophomore year," said Wormwicker, "It seemed like an amazingly believable story at ... http://newsgrift.com/2009/10/26/area-man-didnt-really-lose-virginity-at-canadian-summer-camp Excerpted from the Seattle Galosh Inquisitor: Freelance tech reporter Marco Wormwicker could hardly contain his excitement at the prospect of seeing a new and improved "blue screen of death" twice maybe three times a month. "It's fantastic," said Wormwicker, "Absolutely fantastic.  Instead of your run of the mill, drab blue background, Microsoft ... http://newsgrift.com/2009/10/15/microsoft-releases-windows-7-with-new-and-improved-blue-screen-of-death Excerpted from the Indianapolis Herald Tribune: The Indianapolis offensive line has had enough of quarterback Peyton Manning's shouting and pointing at the line of scrimmage. Ryan Diem, offensive tackle for the Colts, had this to say: "If he would just call an audible, that would be fine.  But instead he's just pointing out ... http://newsgrift.com/2009/09/25/colts-offensive-line-to-peyton-manning-shut-up-and-hike-the-ball Excerpted from the Cincinnati Ledger Express: Grant Thimbleweed, an eyewitness, described the happening. "Well, we were at this memorabilia show where Rose was signing stuff and then this one random guy walks by and yells, 'Hey, Rose.  You jerk, you'll never make it to the Hall of Fame.' " "Charlie Hustle shot back, ... http://newsgrift.com/2009/09/18/pete-rose-puts-fiver-on-his-mlb-reinstatement Excerpted from the Baltimore Dispatch: A source close to the former President and First Lady, who wished to remain anonymous, said the two are devastated by the supernatural development. "They're really wrecked.  Here they thought the poor little fella was getting laid to rest in Arkansas, as per their wishes, and then ... http://newsgrift.com/2009/09/11/socks-the-cat-accidently-buried-in-the-pet-cemetary Excerpted from the Canton Intelligencer: An anonymous source close to Lee's children noted that they didn't listen to Rush very often. “It's not that they think it's bad... I guess, they just feel that there are better listening options at this point," remarked the man. "Wait, I forgot about Tom Sawyer.  They actually ... http://newsgrift.com/2009/09/04/geddy-lees-children-just-not-that-into-rush