Excerpted from the Los Angeles Informer:

California state comptroller, Miles Duggerskull, broke the news that the Springfield Bear Patrol had been the latest casualty of the state budget crisis.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I announce the ending of this program,” Duggerskull said, “I wish there were some way to keep it running, but our budgetary crisis is too large and the statewide bear attack numbers are too few.”

Yreka resident Max Pantaloons could barely maintain his outrage.

“I can barely contain my outrage,” Pantaloons said dryly, “It’s just another example of those fat, city cats up at the capital not understanding what us rural folk have to go through.”

“Sure, the program didn’t affect me up here in Yreka and, sure, there hasn’t been a fatal bear attack in Springfield in over a decade, but it’s the principle, damnit.  It’s the principle.”

Excerpted from the Burbank Chronicler:

Eyewitnesses say the Governor was staggering around downtown Sacramento wearing only furs and carrying a two-handed sword and the head of Queen Isabella from the statue in the Capital Rotunda.

“The man’s still quite strong,” said one eyewitness, “Wielding those two-handed swords with any proficiency is no joke and he took Queen Isabella’s head right off with a single swing.”

Maria Shriver has publicly appealed for the statesman to return home.