Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

“…thus we, Wall St. and the larger US financial community at large, are sorry if any global financial entities weren’t smart enough to figure out that these SIVs and CDOs were massively convoluted, inherently opaque and regrettably illiquid.  In the future, perhaps the global regulatory and ratings agencies should do a better job of localized risk assessment and not actively contribute to a possible systematic financial meltdown.”

“Anyway, we’re sorry if you’re lack of foresight and due diligence has lead to calamitous currency devaluation and civil unrest.  Those are tough breaks.”

“Remember, just because we manufactured, misrepresented and sold the alleged toxicity doesn’t alleviate your culpability as purchasers.”

“No hard feelings, ok?”

Excerpted from the Manassas Statesman:

A local Starbucks patron and Catholic parishioner, who wished to remain anonymous, witnessed the event.

“He gathered his coffee and then sat in the corner with his laptop.  A couple of minutes later he just erupted.  He raised his hands in the air and yelled, ‘God d*mn it.  Now the consumer staples are getting hammered?  This is horse…er…bleep.’  Except he actually used the curse word.”

“He was embarrassed, evidently, as he packed his things up in a hurry and left.”

“I didn’t even know priests had brokerage accounts.”

Excerpted from the Manhattan Spectrum:

Many of the nation’s rich refused to comment regarding the move, but the Spectrum found one member of the Upper Crust that was willing to speak off the record.  He said the following:

“Well, we basically did it to blend in.  As the economy worsens, we don’t want to fall victim to the taunts and occasional violent act that our industrialist grandfathers and great-grandfathers were subjected to during the Great Depression.”

“We just want our drivers to be able to drop us in front of Tiffany’s or Louis Vitton and not have to deal with the rabble while we shop for our mistresses.  Is that too much to ask?”